scrumptious monkey

so much more than an amp -- and yet, not.

2.14.2005

enter -- the guy.

at night, our flaws are less visible.

I'd never thought much about
the differences -- we talk
about "our day" in the daytime,
in daylight. As if it were an
invitation granted to us by
some Jay Gatsbyesque benevolence
neither human nor god -- just
sort of but not US --
Noblesse Obligerie
"come into the light of day" sharing.

All cats are gray in the dark.
There is anonymity, uniformity,
equality in the dark.
There is flesh, and heat,
music, and most of all ourselves;
unaware of the external, wrapped up
in the internal.

I love conversations
at night when it is just the two of us,
no light to distract me into the snare
of how beautiful you are -- when your voice
and all the nuances of the sounds we make
paint a clearer picture than I can see
in the sharp glare of light's suffering.
I envy the blind. Not the ones who lost
their sight, the ones who never had it --
and so are unaware of being looked at,
and think we all must be intimate and
careful and fully aware of the shapes
of things and hear what is being said;
rather than detoured by a swirl of color,
by the distances in one another's eyes.

I could say all that to you, but
what I do say is,
"Talk to me and touch me."

The soft chuckle is like a kiss,
your hands like only your hands can be,
and they reshape the form that exists
only for you, sculpting me from
nothingness into our desire.
This is the power you wield.
that I gave you.
Before I knew you existed.

How sweet to be a woman for you,
my jewel.

A pillow for your head,
my body for your bed,
my heat to feed you,
my need yours to quench
and satiate your own.
my words -- your music
-- our dance.
love you.

I hate mornings.

2.09.2005

Lessons...part I


Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them". I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."

Would You Cheat?

The First Time question kind of had me thinking about this. Would you even cheat on your dh/so? Why or why not? If your answer is because you're afraid of being caught, what if you were guaranteed that there were no reprisals (you wouldn't get caught, pregnant or catch an STD)? Of course real life has no guarantees but this is hypothetical, lol.

I've actually thought long and hard about this (oh, that sentence has so many dimensions to it!)
And although it may be semantics to say a completely polymorphous perverse, active fantasy life (and by active, I mean it is a solo endeavor which can go from simmer to full shoot-the-whistle-clear-off-the-kettle BOIL in the time it takes to read this far) is not cheating...I say it is not cheating.
the word itself gives a clue to how we REALLY interpret the physical act of having an affair.
I think of "Crime and Punishment" a big remorseless guilt trip of a novel in which the main character commits a murder -- just to prove a random and senseless act has no real consequence to anyone's life (well -- except the victim, huh?) and after endless and excruciating lengths -- guess what??
There is a bottom line in a "good relationship" that is based on trust, personal integrity, and communication.
If those things are not functioning in your relationship (and you may have had a misconception that they did exist when in fact you discovered further along you had simply projected your ideal onto your relationship), and you have made some effort at repairs and healing yet you find yourself open to cheating and willing to take opportunities that present themselves -- you have crossed over into a situation where, if you were honest -- you would know the relationship you are "cheating" on is dead and you are just going through the motions of life support, usually for a justification outside of getting your own needs met.
Thus -- you have an affair to get those needs met.
This is the reasoning for most men having affairs. They feel an obligation as the "provider" to their households, but need the outside stimulus of being treated as a desirable "sex god" / alpha male -- it seems they have more needs than getting their housekeeping done and their offspring raised.
Soooo -- as a complete, technicolor sense-a-round fantasy: sure, I'd cheat.
even with all the secrecy and discretion in the world: if I cheated IRL -- I would not go back to my DH. That would be the end of our marriage -- because my integrity wouldn't allow the lie to be forgotten.
Having said that -- I was involved for nearly a year with an on-line lover, complete with phone sex. Very exclusive.
In that time, I was nearly ripped apart by my inner turmoil.
Had the opportunity arisen to consummate in-the-flesh what we were typing and saying -- I would not be with my DH. What finally ended the affair were the realizations that
1.) I am still in love on all levels, with the DH.
2.) The boyfriend was a lot of fun to fool around with -- but a high maintenance EGO (oh the geniuses are fun, but can you say, needy ?!)
3.) having an affair is a lot of work for a few hours of pleasure. I am not an emotional vampire -- I do not seek the thrill of vomit inducing emotional roller coaster rides -- I like a good horse and the feeling of being tall in the saddle; and what's more -- I like EVERYTHING about my handsome beast; his gentle strength, his noble carriage, his good humor -- our partnership. I take care of my animal in all respects: especially respect. And sometimes -- most times -- there is the silent understanding that we are more together than we would ever be separate.
which I guess is just point #1 all over again.

2.08.2005

Good for the Soul...


A group I belong to has a topic called "Confessions". At the time I originally posted this, it was empty. Except for my thread -- it still is.
I'll add to this as the thread is added. I've copied and posted it primarilly as "The short version" for anyone I share my story with. I can't thank the women who contributed here enough.

but thank you. beyond words.

"VG".
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From: ·VG· (Original Message)
Sent: 2/8/2005 11:51 AM
it's said confession is good for the soul. I suppose that ties into the truth setting you free; and "The truth, no matter how painful, affords an ineffable calm." ~ anon. (thanks Shen).
I'm dealing with my life fairly well. All things in the scope of consideration.
The full appearance of my personal history's web debut is HERE
but to get you all up to speed, here's the meat of it:

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


I grew up in a large Catholic, Church going, working class family. My 4 elder siblings were all enrolled in Catholic school: they were ages 12, 11, 10, and 7 when I was born in 1960.

The 10 year old, a boy -- was a budding sociopath who tortured and abused stray animals for "the fun of it", and also abused me.
My abuse, which I did not even KNOW was abuse upon my person, started in my infancy and did not let up until this brother was signed into the Air Force early at 17, nearly 18 -- he was incorrigible, opportunistic, handsome: as smooth a Sociopath as ever one was.

He has one out-of-wedlock daughter that the family knows of and like the incest that was my "natural" state, disclosure of his fatherhood (and incestual-pedophilia) all came out roughly 9 years ago....

Without knowing why I despised him -- until recently talking about this was very difficult for me -- other sisters arranged to bring the two of us together for a family reunion by not telling me he would be there.

When I saw him for the first time since moving out of my Mother's house (Dad had died when I was 16) I simply ran away. Yes, a 35 year old woman with a fairly above average IQ and I swallowed my spit so hard and so fast backing up and switching directions the spaces between my toes squished from it!

I heard he shrugged it all off: "Yeah, I fucked her. So what?" in a bored voice and wondered why the family was stunned into silence. This was also when I found out how far back my abuse reached... I am still ... a bit wobbily on getting my head around that, even now.

for myself -- I am ok. Most days. When I read about child abuse... my days are harder.

Bad things have always happened to undeserving innocents.

We live in a Victim-conscious society -- Everybody's been victimized by one thing or another. in my case, I didn't know I was molested until I was 10, 11. I didn't know other people weren't treated like that. What could I possibly know about normal expectations and appropriate responses? I had to learn it from scratch -- in utter humiliation for being switched on sexually at a much too early age.
And unable to articulate even that much.

I think molestation is more common than un-common -- it just doesn't see the light of day discussion because it's such a touchy subject -- no pun intended.

I have seen in cases other than my own how difficult it is for the victim of sexual abuse to be accepted as a regular person in their families -- it is easier to forgive the abuser than the victim for "letting themselves" be abused.

Whereas most people cannot realistically envision themselves capable of becoming a baby rapist..? That's so out of the realm of reality they can forgive..?

I don't get it either, to tell you the truth.

But I do understand that since abuse could possibly become a reality for anyone -- it is far harder to think and accept that it happened without being... asked for. To protect themselves; people distance themselves from the victim.

There is quantitive acceptance... maybe.
If you shut up and get over it.

I think about it this way:
Most people inhabit their own little System where they are the Sun and everyone else to various degrees orbit around them. It is a miracle -- worthy of the founding of new religions -- that more of what COULD happen doesn't.

Your Universe wanders over and brushes up against the magnetic pull of Mine. How is it we are not devastated and exploded just by eye contact?... "Hello" doesn't send shockwaves of the Genesis Effect re-writing your DNA every time you say it or hear it said?...

On the one hand I suppose we are fortunate the body has needs that must be attended to otherwise being lost in contemplation performing our kitty-yoga-of-the-mind postures would never end the cycle of inquiring-within the depths of our own digestive processes.

I think the key is -- Noblesse Oblige. The Namasté factor.

We come to this life to serve; and through service we grow in all ways: treating each other better is in fact honoring ourselves by recognizing the specialness and quantitive quality of EVERYONE.

Balance is the key to the human being experience, with enough roguish behavior from comets and satellites so you can appreciate the calm in the chaos.
I'm not all that Sunny -- but I've graduated to thinking I am a pretty cool planet.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


so that was my big "out with it" and it was a pretty hard thing to do. I lost some friends -- I found support from unlikely sources. But I am more relaxed now, less rigid and fearful than I have ever been in my life -- that I can recall.

I was asked, in a purely clinical way -- if I felt that since I was "indoctrinated" into sex without having any awareness of societal taboos if it felt more "normal" than the way everyone else got their sexual information and experiences.
my first reflex reaction was, "What the FUCK are you talking about?! would you want that for YOUR kid?" Then, I had to laugh.

First off -- yes. This IS normal. for ME. I don't know what it's like to go about sexual interaction from a complete standstill of unawareness into hormonal thunder and orgasmic lightning.

I have always been aware of my sexuality -- both from my own body's call and response, and the effect "we" can have on others.
by "we" I mean human beings.

I know that over on the OV boards there have been recent topics about baby rape, clothes shedding Nannies, and Party Central Slutty Moms. All of the responses to these topics have been firmly on the morally righteous, child defending side of "Holy shit, that is awful, what is wrong with these people??!"

I agree with that. I am disgusted and horrified when I hear and read about what happens when People Who Should Not Be Allowed Contact With Children Without The Supervision Of People Who DO Know Better are given responsibilities they simply can not meet. Perhaps there is a history of abuse, perhaps there is a gene gone screwy. Chemical imbalances in the brain furthered by the use of drugs and alcohol -- or their distinct lack of them.
I do not know.

What I do know is my own life. Which is normal, everyday, pursuit of happiness and what's for dinner shit.
I don't have kids. I do enjoy sex; I think about sex a good deal more than I get to have it.

I do NOT think about sex with children. Point of fact, I would do serious damage to anyone who would infringe on the innocence of a child -- or infringe on ANYONE who was not consensual and cognizant of their own involvement. That is categorically unfair; so unfair it is beyond the debate of right or wrong.

I don't know what this board was intended for -- if it was intended to be a place for blurting out to the world you busted your diet with a Mrs. Fields binge -- oops. mea culpa.

But I am hoping the truth that I am what I am, and I deal with it, and I learn from it, and I grow as a person... adds to your own capacity of understanding.

I am utterly different from you. yet --
I am, as you are -- alive in very unsettling times.

Perfection is an abstract, coldly rigid and impossible to attain "ideal" -- but beauty exists all around us -- it's only standard is that it touches and moves the one who takes the time to truly behold it.

walk in beauty, my friends.
VG.
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