A group I belong to has a topic called "Confessions". At the time I originally posted this, it was empty. Except for my thread -- it still is.
I'll add to this as the thread is added. I've copied and posted it primarilly as "The short version" for anyone I share my story with. I can't thank the women who contributed here enough.
but thank you. beyond words.
From: ·VG· (Original Message)
Sent: 2/8/2005 11:51 AM
it's said confession is good for the soul. I suppose that ties into the truth setting you free; and "The truth, no matter how painful, affords an ineffable calm." ~ anon. (thanks Shen).
I'm dealing with my life fairly well. All things in the scope of consideration.
The full appearance of my personal history's web debut is HERE
but to get you all up to speed, here's the meat of it:
I grew up in a large Catholic, Church going, working class family. My 4 elder siblings were all enrolled in Catholic school: they were ages 12, 11, 10, and 7 when I was born in 1960.
The 10 year old, a boy -- was a budding sociopath who tortured and abused stray animals for "the fun of it", and also abused me.
My abuse, which I did not even KNOW was abuse upon my person, started in my infancy and did not let up until this brother was signed into the Air Force early at 17, nearly 18 -- he was incorrigible, opportunistic, handsome: as smooth a Sociopath as ever one was.
He has one out-of-wedlock daughter that the family knows of and like the incest that was my "natural" state, disclosure of his fatherhood (and incestual-pedophilia) all came out roughly 9 years ago....
Without knowing why I despised him -- until recently talking about this was very difficult for me -- other sisters arranged to bring the two of us together for a family reunion by not telling me he would be there.
When I saw him for the first time since moving out of my Mother's house (Dad had died when I was 16) I simply ran away. Yes, a 35 year old woman with a fairly above average IQ and I swallowed my spit so hard and so fast backing up and switching directions the spaces between my toes squished from it!
I heard he shrugged it all off: "Yeah, I fucked her. So what?" in a bored voice and wondered why the family was stunned into silence. This was also when I found out how far back my abuse reached... I am still ... a bit wobbily on getting my head around that, even now.
for myself -- I am ok. Most days. When I read about child abuse... my days are harder.
Bad things have always happened to undeserving innocents.
We live in a Victim-conscious society -- Everybody's been victimized by one thing or another. in my case, I didn't know I was molested until I was 10, 11. I didn't know other people weren't treated like that. What could I possibly know about normal expectations and appropriate responses? I had to learn it from scratch -- in utter humiliation for being switched on sexually at a much too early age.
And unable to articulate even that much.
I think molestation is more common than un-common -- it just doesn't see the light of day discussion because it's such a touchy subject -- no pun intended.
I have seen in cases other than my own how difficult it is for the victim of sexual abuse to be accepted as a regular person in their families -- it is easier to forgive the abuser than the victim for "letting themselves" be abused.
Whereas most people cannot realistically envision themselves capable of becoming a baby rapist..? That's so out of the realm of reality they can forgive..?
I don't get it either, to tell you the truth.
But I do understand that since abuse could possibly become a reality for anyone -- it is far harder to think and accept that it happened without being... asked for. To protect themselves; people distance themselves from the victim.
There is quantitive acceptance... maybe.
If you shut up and get over it.
I think about it this way:
Most people inhabit their own little System where they are the Sun and everyone else to various degrees orbit around them. It is a miracle -- worthy of the founding of new religions -- that more of what COULD happen doesn't.
Your Universe wanders over and brushes up against the magnetic pull of Mine. How is it we are not devastated and exploded just by eye contact?... "Hello" doesn't send shockwaves of the Genesis Effect re-writing your DNA every time you say it or hear it said?...
On the one hand I suppose we are fortunate the body has needs that must be attended to otherwise being lost in contemplation performing our kitty-yoga-of-the-mind postures would never end the cycle of inquiring-within the depths of our own digestive processes.
I think the key is -- Noblesse Oblige. The Namasté factor.
We come to this life to serve; and through service we grow in all ways: treating each other better is in fact honoring ourselves by recognizing the specialness and quantitive quality of EVERYONE.
Balance is the key to the human being experience, with enough roguish behavior from comets and satellites so you can appreciate the calm in the chaos.
I'm not all that Sunny -- but I've graduated to thinking I am a pretty cool planet.
so that was my big "out with it" and it was a pretty hard thing to do. I lost some friends -- I found support from unlikely sources. But I am more relaxed now, less rigid and fearful than I have ever been in my life -- that I can recall.
I was asked, in a purely clinical way -- if I felt that since I was "indoctrinated" into sex without having any awareness of societal taboos if it felt more "normal" than the way everyone else got their sexual information and experiences.
my first reflex reaction was, "What the FUCK are you talking about?! would you want that for YOUR kid?" Then, I had to laugh.
First off -- yes. This IS normal. for ME. I don't know what it's like to go about sexual interaction from a complete standstill of unawareness into hormonal thunder and orgasmic lightning.
I have always been aware of my sexuality -- both from my own body's call and response, and the effect "we" can have on others.
by "we" I mean human beings.
I know that over on the OV boards there have been recent topics about baby rape, clothes shedding Nannies, and Party Central Slutty Moms. All of the responses to these topics have been firmly on the morally righteous, child defending side of "Holy shit, that is awful, what is wrong with these people??!"
I agree with that. I am disgusted and horrified when I hear and read about what happens when People Who Should Not Be Allowed Contact With Children Without The Supervision Of People Who DO Know Better
are given responsibilities they simply can not meet. Perhaps there is a history of abuse, perhaps there is a gene gone screwy. Chemical imbalances in the brain furthered by the use of drugs and alcohol -- or
their distinct lack of them.
I do not know.
What I do know is my own life. Which is normal, everyday, pursuit of happiness and what's for dinner shit.
I don't have kids. I do enjoy sex; I think about sex a good deal more than I get to have it.
I do NOT think about sex with children. Point of fact, I would do serious damage to anyone who would infringe on the innocence of a child -- or infringe on ANYONE who was not consensual and cognizant of their own involvement. That is categorically unfair; so unfair it is beyond the debate of right or wrong.
I don't know what this board was intended for -- if it was intended to be a place for blurting out to the world you busted your diet with a Mrs. Fields binge -- oops. mea culpa.
But I am hoping the truth that I am what I am, and I deal with it, and I learn from it, and I grow as a person... adds to your own capacity of understanding.
I am utterly different from you. yet --
I am, as you are -- alive in very unsettling times.
Perfection is an abstract, coldly rigid and impossible to attain "ideal" -- but beauty exists all around us -- it's only standard is that it touches and moves the one who takes the time to truly behold it.
walk in beauty, my friends.